Something is not right... What Do I Do?

You are the person that everyone calls for when they need help. If someone needs a lift, you are there, if someone needs help moving, count you in, at work you move towards danger and disaster as others are running away, you adapt and overcome, until one day you don't, because something is different. Maybe that last car accident had a toy your kid can't leave home without, maybe that loaf baking in the oven of the last assault you attended smelled exactly like your Mom's. Maybe the screaming of the family as you worked to save their Dad was too much this time and something in you broke. The shield that separated calls, from life, has a crack in it, shit is getting through. I'm yelling at my kids for nothing, I should have a few drinks to calm down, maybe pot will help, Fuck me I wish I could sleep, my wife hates me, it would be better for all of them if I wasn't here...

What do I do?

That is the gap.

What do I do?

I can't tell my boss I'll get put in some garbage job in the office.

I can't tell my partner, she'll freak and tell me to suck it up, that call wasn't so bad.

I can't tell the guys, they won't trust me to have their back anymore.

What do I do?

I'll find a psychologist. Five weeks on the waiting list.

I'll go to a support group... all they do is talk in circles.

I'll call a friend... they sure like to talk about their problems.

I guess it's up to me, again.

It doesn't have to be, there is a growing community of people who have been there and have waded through the swamp of garbage that was set up by your department and is supposed to be your mental health safety net. We have been through that process, there are hundreds, thousands of us who have been there, there are so many barriers up to getting help that works for you, including you. Finding the one string to pull that doesn't end or unravel the structure you have built is tough, but it can be done. One trick is to find the small victories. I got out of bed on my day off, might be one. I didn't have that cup of whiskey to get to sleep last night, might be another. I stopped working out after 180 minutes today so I had something left to give to my family at the end of the day. I didn't crash the car into that dump truck on the way home. It's the little things that count. Maybe add on to it next week, one thing to make you feel a little better, I bought one of those Yeti can cozies so my hand won't get cold when I have a couple of beers (that's what the woo woo folks call self care, doing something to decrease your discomfort). The point is that to get you to your breaking point, it took a lot of little shitty things, to bring you back a bit, it's going to take a lot of little good things and you don't have to find those things by yourself.

This blog and this website are about those little good things. As it builds there will be links to everything from traditional psychotherapy to plant medicine and shamanic journeys, and people who have been in that foggy dark place extending a hand to help you find your way out.